An American's guide to the World Cup.

For one month, every four years, the world unites in the spirit of fútbol ("soccer" for the Americans). And no American cares more about it than my friend Jake.

I (Kyla still here) won't pretend to understand the sport, or even the world's obsession with it - the extent of my experience with the event was watching the 2010 U.S. v England game (tie) with a bunch of Brits in London and a brief obsession with Shakira's anthem from the tournament, "Waka Waka," which resulted in her having a baby with one of the players featured in the video. And on that note, some of the players are attractive, so it's not a complete waste of my time.

Also, Brazil is worth exploring, the music makes your whole body start to move, and the people are downright beautiful. Give it all a go.

Anyway, I suspect many of you don't know a whole lot more than me, and for that reason, I have asked Jake to prepare a short guide to the World Cup 2014 for you. I met Jake in grad school, where I overcame the fact that he wears cardigans long enough to discover a shared appreciation of all things English and dollar domestics at the local sushi bar. So, since he's now a "Master," I thought he could be considered the expert for the purposes of this blog. 

The "Expert"

At the very least, he should be more helpful than Wikipedia.

And with that, I'll let Jake take it away

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Loyalties:

Ok, so the first question you are probably asking is, "Which team should I root for?" This is offensive and not a difficult concept - you support whatever country is on the front of your passport. I wholeheartedly believe that it is your right as an American to live and die (let’s be realistic, you will probably die) with the United States Men’s National Team ("USMNT" for short). 

Now for some of you, this will be the first time you actively choose to sit down and watch a soccer game, so here are some very basic things you need to know:

• Get to know the USMNT here.

• Pick a favorite player. For some people, this can be a very difficult process because it really is an important decision, especially considering you’ve probably never heard of any of them. I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve heard of Landon Donovan!” This is irrelevant. He didn’t make the team because he decided to take a sabbatical from soccer last year and the coach wasn’t too keen on this choice. Something that might help make your decision easier is to pick the player with your favorite hairstyle. There are some stellar styles we're seeing this year to choose from:

• If you are feeling especially patriotic, pick up some gear at your local sporting goods store so that you fit in with the crowd. 

Where to watch:

Even though you bleed red, white and blue, soccer was invented in Europe, so I would recommend finding your local English/Irish pub to watch the games. The atmosphere at these places will be awesome, as they regularly show soccer games throughout the year, not just during the World Cup. Bonus: You won’t have to awkwardly ask any bartenders to put the game on because, trust me, it will be stuck on that channel for the next month. Soccer was meant to be enjoyed while sharing a pint with your friends, so feel free to indulge in a few while you watch. Be careful of who you sit next to when at the pub! There will be at least one person (probably me) who thinks they know way too much about the sport and will try to explain everything to you the entire time and this will be annoying and make your beer taste less delicious. How to spot this person: they WILL be wearing a jersey of some sort and probably a matching scarf. Avoid this person at all costs. 

What to do if/when the US loses:

Unfortunately, this will likely happen way too early at this year’s World Cup. We were drawn into the proverbial “Group of Death,” which means it’s probably the most difficult group to advance from due to the teams in it. Only two teams from each group advance to the knockout stage of the tournament. A little background on the other teams in our group (Group G):

• Germany: A perennial powerhouse and one of the favorites to win the whole thing. Their bench warmers are A LOT better than our starters. Unfortunately, we really don’t stand a chance when we play them. 

• Portugal: Home to Cristiano Ronaldo, currently the best footballer in the world, and he’s also not bad on the eyes. Even though the rest of the Portuguese team isn’t great, he is enough for all USMNT players and fans alike to be scared.

• Ghana: On paper they are the worst team in the group, but they have knocked us out of the last two World Cups, and they are arguably the best team in Africa, which is no small feat. 

While anything is possible, don’t be surprised if the US have to pack their bags early, and don’t forget that there will still be at least two weeks left of World Cup action for you to watch! This means that it’s crucial for you to have a backup team to support. This can also be a tough decision, but I have a few suggestions:

• England is a natural choice, what with our “special relationship” and all. 

• Mexico also makes sense, as tons of people living in the US still have ties to their Mexican roots. 

• When in doubt, just go with wherever you studied abroad! France, Spain, Italy, and Australia will all be there, so if you still feel some sort of attachment, this is a great chance to indulge. 

• My last suggestion is to pick whichever team you think has the best uniforms. Some of my favorites include: 

Croatia

Brazil

The Netherlands

Final words: 

However and wherever you decide to watch the World Cup, make sure you enjoy it! If you haven’t noticed, soccer is growing in popularity in the US almost daily, and now is a perfect time to jump on the bandwagon because you can watch at least one game a day for the next month. 

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Follow Jake's Brasil 2014 commentary on Twitter.